Jessica Hates Jump Ropes

Warning: Before I get all cynical, I want to tell you, dear reader, that this class is actually a very sweet notion. While I live in a sarcastic Seinfeld-built bubble where I create random names for strangers like Studio Mickey and argue about meaningless detail,  it's nice to know that some people don't live in that world.  In this world, there's still a group of people that get dressed up, grease up the hair, and go to a East Coast Swing Class.  In this world, there's still a subset of these people  looking to meet another non-jaded soul that still believes in the hope that one can show up to a dance, spin a girl around, and get the girl. It's so pure. But not when you're expecting a fitness class, and not when you haven't showered after Battle Ropes, and not when Class Pass didn't indicate that this was a date or pick-up (albeit awkward pick-up) activity where you should where red lipstick and roll your hair.  I should have known. Drop in Swing o...

Stardate:  August 28th 2015 At 11:30 am today,  I popped into a class that I'll probably regret tomorrow. I'll also regret that I have signed up for a 2nd class tonight that I cannot back out of due to said pending regret. Class Pass is no joke, folks. If you cancel less than 12 hours, you pay $15. It's a HUGE motivator  to continue on freaky fitness Friday. Also, I have NEVER worked out twice in one day. This might be my last entry. "Captain, I just don't have. the. power." Bad Star Trek humor aside, Battle Ropes is an intense 30 minute total body workout using those torture devices you see on Biggest Loser. You've never seen Biggest Loser, you say? Only watch PBS you say? Liar. You know what I'm talking about. This is what I THOUGHT I looked like: This is what I REALLY looked like: Squirrel obsession aside, this is the first time I felt completely uncomfortable at a studio. I walked in and two lovely ladies and a buffed bro were sit...

I'm not working out tonight, as I will spend the evening pretending to be my daughter and walking the halls of her new Middle School during her Open House. We walked her classes  on Welcome day, and my own Middle School experience haunted me. I hope I have equipped her with more confidence than I had. I hope I have equipped her with more of an ability to forgive herself and accept mistakes. Middle School was when I decided that I was not an athlete. I wish I could have decided something different. I decided to go out for track when I was in seventh grade. I thought it would be good to learn a sport as I had no specific sport skill at this point. Track would surely help me find my calling. Since I had no running desire or ability, which should have stopped me there, the track coaches decided to try me out on various side events- the long jump, the high jump, and shot put. The long jump was an uneventful bust. I just could not jump. The shot put had some promise, but the ultimate...

Today was a difficult day. Not difficult in the way that someone parked over the line or Starbucks ran out of lime wedges for their Cool Lime Refreshers, but the real difficult. We had expected this day to come, but still emotions surprise you no matter how much you plan. That being said, I didn't even begin to build a case for myself against trying out Yin Yoga today. Not one mental excuse. I surprised myself on this one. The truth is, no matter the difficulty level of the day, exercise, especially yoga, is always good for you.  Yin Yoga is different from Vinyasa Yoga in the idea that you hold the poses for an extremely long time. It's not fluid the way typical yoga is, but rather it has a meditative slow quality. I had read about this and was already intrigued before this fitness experiment because I have been toying around with meditation since I read 10% Happier by Dan Harris. (READ IT) The instructor was amazing from the start. She welcomed everyone; she didn't c...

Have you ever looked at one object too long or said a word too many times in a row? Does it start to distort after awhile? Say "parallel" ten times. Does it start to sound weird? Like syllables, then letters, then sounds running into sounds like a unwieldy chain reaction? I'm probably getting too deep here, but the most disturbing thing about my hour long barre class was looking at myself close up in the mirror for an hour without anyone blocking the view. In fact, the primary job of a new Barre practitioner (other than overextending and feeling foolish and old) is to stare at oneself and critique form. To be clear, this wasn't Barre per se, but an exercise program that has been trademarked and franchised much like Jazzercise in the 80's or whatever there was before Jazzercise. The Dailey Method boasts: "The Dailey Method combines ballet barre work, core conditioning, and muscle strengthening through yoga, pilates, and orthopedic exercise. Unlike ot...

If you haven't seen Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix, now is the time to break from this blog and your life and binge watch the first season. If you have then you'll know what I am talking about when I say that I was expecting Spirit Cycle with Tristafe.   "Be like a drunk girl getting out of a cab and leave everything behind!"  I actually used to Spin on a regular basis. I guess I liked it, but I wouldn't have gone at all if I didn't have someone counting on me to be there. And to be fair, I never went to a Spin class where the teacher was like Tristafe. But I was going to a Spin studio this time, and as such, I didn't know what to expect.  With mixed emotion, I must report there's no Trisafe at Cycle In at all... It was a simple and clean one room studio with about 15 - 20 bikes, two HD screens and a little prep area. The studio provided towels and caddies, which was much appreciated, and the teacher (who I believe is the owner...

I woke up this morning knowing that my first Music Video Spin Class was all teed up for this morning. Immediately my brain began to scroll through a myriad of excuses hoping to land on the one that felt acceptable enough to bail: 1. Too early 2. My arm hurts 3. I still have congestion from my cold. 4. And don't you need to rest for like month after a cold? 5. My foot is cut 6. I don't have cycle shoes with SPD clips and that is recommended (but not required) 7. I don't know what SPD clips are 8. I have no peanut butter 9. We're in a drought, should I really do something that will require me to drink water? 10. What if they don't play Pop-Up videos and what if they wont play "Take Me On?" 11. Too far of a drive (less than a mile) Sigh. None will do. And my reader is counting on me. I'm getting dressed. Here we go.

This is difficult. I can't say it.... ok.... here goes. Honestly, jump rope, I really dislike you. I haven't ever loved you. I might have pretended I did, but I was lying. I stare at others in awe at the gym.... how they must love you. They glisten with the sweat and pride of an intense HIIT workout, using you to your maximum potential, watching themselves in the mirror with you. Holding you, knowing you, effortless. When I touch you, it doesn't feel right.  You have a certain "too good for me" type of attitude, and guess what.... you're right.  My body doesn't like you. My heart doesn't want you. I don't want to say this because it's so cliche, but it's not you, it's me. I'm breaking up with you today.... you and all your smug friends. I just need some time to figure things out. I need to do me. And that means definitely not doing you.    Breaking up with Gym I was making YET ANOTHER long drive down the 99, when I flipped...